Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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