Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
