I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
