do herpes really smell.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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