Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
