The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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