i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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