Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
