Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
God, I missed his penis.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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