A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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