She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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