Where is the hickey?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
