Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
