what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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