Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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