Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
