You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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