I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize