so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
