Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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