Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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