I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
