You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
