Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
