I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize