I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
