I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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