"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
