ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
