I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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