i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
