from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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