I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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