The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
a search helicopter?!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
