Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
