Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
