Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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