I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
