Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I think I just sharted jello shots
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