Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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