I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
