i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
