Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
