So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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