Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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