All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
