After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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