you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
