As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize