Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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