what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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