Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he laminated a picture of his dick.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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