guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
