If i come over, it means nothing
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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