Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
