I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You smell like stripper and shame
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
