I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Did you just see the Batmobile???
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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