"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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