if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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