apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It's shark week go big or go home
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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