I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
