and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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